A lot has been going on in my life of late. Much of it has to do with my art and how I fit in as a self proclaimed artist. A recent disqualification from being considered as an artist worthy of grant application struck a low blow and it took me a couple of days to get over myself. In a most humbling experience, I have had to rethink my goals and ambitions and question my motives. Once again fame and recognition was the fuel, and a pitiful temporary fuel it is. I didn't feel the burning desire, nor the gushing bubbling passion come from within. It was more of a shallow need for validation.
At first I thought that maybe my lack of zeal to complete the tasks required to enter a direct purchase competition was due to VOD (Voice of Doom) and the whole "stepping out of my comfort zone" reaction. Putting yourself out there to be judged "worthy" is not the most pleasant activity by any means. I'd concluded that my fear of failure was slowing me down, yet I persisted in my determination to complete the goal I'd set for myself. To have one of my pieces installed somewhere in the city of Ottawa. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy! Then the disqualification news arrived and my world shook. It hurt and I'd be lying if i didn't admit that. But I had to ask myself why do I need to hear it (validation, praise, acceptance) from an outside source? Haven't I read every self help book there is out there? Yet I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Once again with the direct purchase application I feel that I'm falling for the hollow attraction that the promise of fame offers.
What I need to do is reaffirm my reason for painting and to be joyful in all I do. So far the volunteer ceiling tile art brings me immeasurable joy. There's no money and the fame is almost nonexistent. The art wall where I can make sales and donate a portion to the hospital cause is another win/win situation. I'm happy with that. Any other art from now on must be for me.
With my decision to pull out of the application process, I feel lighter already and can't wait to finish the art I'd started but so I can hang it on our walls instead! In fact I am ready to do my taxes now.
Do you find yourself questioning what you do?